One Month

So I had really good intentions of posting this on Max's one month birthday. But just when I thought I had a free moment... the laptop decided to crap out and then Max needed to eat yet again. He is a growing boy!

(One month old outfit ** I had to put it on before he grew out of it!**)

I can't believe I gave birth to him one month ago. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday, and sometimes it seems like it was 6 months ago.

I am not going to lie. Motherhood is one of the hardest jobs in the entire world. I thought I would be more prepared with my background being an infant nurse. Maybe it did prepare me for some things, but like my mom said, I know a little too much about things. So I stress over them, then I feel anxious about them. I get overwhelmed easily.

I really struggled with post partum "baby blues" for the first 3 weeks. It was compounded by the significant sleep deprivation and the many obstacles and struggles I had with breastfeeding. I would cry over everything, I couldn't cope. I never smiled, I never laughed. Chris could always make me laugh, probably every day we have been married. But I couldn't laugh. I couldn't smile. I couldn't fathom ever being happy. No body warned me about this. I had heard of the "baby blues" but I had no idea I would feel that way. Visitors seemed like such a burden. Meals came in, that I couldn't eat. I had no appetite. I was force feeding myself. I lost my entire pregnancy weight and weighed less then I did on my wedding day by the time he was two weeks old. I avoided others at all costs. I had to make some decisions in order to gain some of my life back and enable me to get some sleep so I could be a better mother.

I wanted to breastfeed from the moment I wanted to be a mother. My mom breastfed me. Even though the majority of babies in the US are formula fed, I work in an environment that has a huge push for breastfeeding. I mean, breastfeeding is the way nature intended to feed infants. I was all ready and on board.. I prepared myself. I bought an expensive pump, nursing clothes, lanolin cream, nursing pads, milk storage containers, etc. I was going to do this. When my OB told me it may be a struggle because my nipples were flat and would invert when squeezed, I researched ways to remedy this. I really wanted it.

But after waiting 2 days for my breasts to produce anything, using a tube with formula and nipple shield to get him to latch, 5 days before my milk came in, and at 10 days having him drink blood from my weeping open sore nipples as I sunk further and further into depression, I had to give it up.

I probably could have called a Le Leche League person, or the breastfeeding support hotline to try to help me, but at that point I didn't like being a Mom. I loved little Max, but didn't feel like I could ever enjoy him. Because every 45 minutes he wanted to eat and then he would eat for 45 minutes. I would dread it all day and all night. I don't think I got more than 2 hours of sleep a day for 10 days. I was falling apart.

So after a huge roller coaster of tears and calling my pediatrician in a panic, I decided to let it go. Sort of. I still pump the milk so he can have it in a bottle. I don't plan on doing it for very long, but for now I can provide him with some breast milk and still have the freedom to leave my house, to get some sleep, to be able to cope with all the other challenges of taking care of a newborn.

When I gave it up there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulder. Everyone likes to think the breastfeed is so "natural" but it is so much more of a challenge. And not many women have as many challenges as I had. So, unless you have breastfed my baby with my boobs... you can't judge me.

When he was about 3 weeks old, I started to feel more myself. I could smile and laugh again. I felt like I could do this. I could be a Mom. The cloud seemed to lift. I still struggle with some anxiety, so I will keep it in close check. But I do feel so much better.

My Mom has been a huge help. So a big shout out to her for coming over in the mornings when Chris is at work to allow me a nice little nap. Also to my cousin Katie for coming over to give both Chris and I a break.

But most of all to the wonderful man I have married. Because after 9 months of vomiting, emotions, and complaining, he has had to deal with a depressed, weeping, sleep deprived wife. He has been a great help and is a great father.

Max has been doing great. He has already grown out of all his newborn clothes and diapers. His pediatrician says he possibly could be 6'6" since both Chris and I are tall. His feet are already super long and he is a tall baby, so who knows? He is losing his cute newborn hair which makes me sad. And he has been cursed with baby acne and a little cradle cap. He is a good baby. Loves being held, and I spoil him. He eats a lot in my opinion. But if that is what he needs then he can have it! He is adorable, and I am so lucky to get to be his mom.