2nd Chances

**Warning** this is a long post mainly about breastfeeding.

OK you have been warned...

I have thought a lot about my experience with having Max. Reflecting on the aftermath of my long induced labor, lack of sleep, problems with breastfeeding, and ultimately my high anxiety and postpartum depression that made it extremely difficult at the beginning of his little life. When he was about 3 months my depression was treated, he was sleeping a little better, and I was no longer experiencing overwhelming anxiety that I started to think about what I would do differently if I was blessed with another child.

When I found out I was pregnant with Ashleigh I knew I wanted to try breastfeeding again. Much to Chris's dismay.

Now you have to understand that with Max he was very challenging to breastfeed. I was given flat nipples that make it impossible for a newborn to latch on to, and Max did not have much patience with me to wait for my letdown. So if I was miraculously able to get him to latch he would immediately pull off and scream at my breast for not giving him what he wanted fast enough. Then he would frantically try to latch again, usually improperly, doing much damage to my already hypersensitive a sore nipples. It was a NIGHTMARE. But I had wanted to breastfeed him so bad and felt like if I was determined enough we would be successful.

So I researched whatever information about breastfeeding I could to try to remedy our issues. I felt overwhelmed all of the time. So overwhelmed that I felt even reaching out to a le leche lactation person would be too much for me. I cried about breastfeeding every time I fed Max...at least 10 times a day. Chris hates when I cry. It was so hard for him to see me going through this. He did his best to comfort me, but he couldn't make it right. He hated that. So I understand why he NEVER wanted me to do it again.

I quit and restarted multiple times. Pumping milk and feeding it to him, then quitting, then starting to pump again because I was engorged. I remember I told Chris that when Max was 7 weeks that I was completely done, but I still pumped 2-3 times a day in secret until he was 9 weeks. I had a hard time letting it go. But I hated it at the same time.

So with Ashleigh I knew I wanted to do things differently. From the Hospital stay to breastfeeding. I went in with the attitude that Hey... I formula fed my first so if breastfeeding sucks as bad as it did the first time than she will be formula fed too. I just went at it with a more relaxed approach. I was going to try, but it would be OK if I wasn't successful. So this is what I did differently that I think helped my experience be more positive. Some was in my control...some wasn't.

Labor -  With Max I went in a 9:00 pm and labored all night including 4 hours of intense back labor with no progression and I was begging for my epidural which I had to wait an additional 45 minutes because of shift change.Then I pushed for 2 hours before ultimately getting an episiotomy and tearing really bad. With Ashleigh my labor was induced as well but I was dilated to 2cm (+) so I didn't have to go in the night before to be induced. Obviously not in my control (Thank you body!) This enabled me to get a full (well somewhat full) nights sleep before laboring all day. My labor was pretty smooth. I was doing Ok and got my epidural when I was dilated to about 6cm. Then 3 hours later I pushed her out in 2.5 pushes with less tearing.

A lot of that was out of my control, just luck of the draw when it comes to labor... but I want to give a background as to why I think I was more successful with breastfeeding. It started with the differences in my labors.

Nipple Shield - I had to use it with both children. But with Max I had never even used one nor was I explained how to properly use one. So it was always very awkward when I would use it with Max until I finally googled it and learned how to properly use one. So I knew and felt more comfortable when I had to use it with Ashleigh.

Hospital Stay- I had a really hard time being separated from Max. Plus I didn't trust the staff to bring him to me when he needed to breastfeed. So he stayed in my room the whole time pretty much. So I got no sleep in the hospital. With Ashleigh, I took an ambien the night I had her and slept a solid 6 hours while the nursery gave him a bottle. I needed that 6 hours. The next night they brought her to me to nurse her and then took her back to the nursery. I felt so much more rested.

Supplemental Nursing System (SNS) - I used this with both children as well. It helps them latch on to the nipple shield and stay latched while you wait for your milk to come in. It is a little tube that you put formula in and you fill the nipple shield so the baby will latch on. With Max... super awkward since I never done it before. With Ashleigh... still awkward, but less since I had experience with it. This gives your baby a reward (milk) for latching on and keeps them sucking to stimulate your milk to come.

Waiting for my "milk to come in" - I waited almost 5 days with Max. My milk came in at 3 days with Ashleigh. I personally believe that this is the reason a lot of mom's quit breastfeeding right away. You feed your newborn, they either get really mad at your breast or suck for what seems like an eternity with no gulps they fall asleep and then 1 hour later they want to feed again. You feel like your baby wants something and your body is not providing it for them. It is very frustrating. So 3 days is hard. 5 days was agonizing.

"The first 1-2 months is hard" - I found this statement to be very true. I knew my nipples would be sore. I had no IDEA that they would have weeping blisters on them. This was a result of Max's poor latch. If you're getting sores USING a nipple shield you don't have a good latch. With Ashleigh I had learned what nipple cream I liked, how to properly use a shield (OK it's not THAT hard, but there are some ways to use it better), and to know that the pain gets better.

 Also, newborns want to nurse FOREVER. At least mine do. I remember that Max would eat for nearly an hour and than want to eat 1 hour 15 minutes later. Round the clock. I was so exhausted. Ashleigh also wanted to nurse for about 50 minutes sometimes but she would go 2 hours in between. And it is like this... for a month. I had told myself that I would give it 6 weeks and then decide what I wanted to do. I remember at about 4 weeks feeling very frustrated that she ate for so long and how long I could really do this. Then suddenly it started to get easier. She was getting bigger and either her or my breast changed but she was eating for 30 minutes a feed at 5 weeks, 20 minutes at 6 weeks and is down to 10-15 minutes now at 8 weeks. So it does get easier.

Personality - Max had not patience with my breasts. Ashleigh did. She would stay latched long enough for her to get milk. Every baby is different. I have a philosophy that unless you have fed my baby with my breasts you can't judge what I do.

Ultimately what it comes down to is my postpartum depression was a HUGE factor in why I quit with Max and I honestly do think it was for the best. I learned so much from my experience with him that I was able to use to be successful with Ashleigh. I am happy things are going better with Ashleigh and want to continue it as long as it is working.