Steadily Improving

I just want to say hey to the Blogging world. You may have (or have not) noticed that I have been absent from the blogging world for a little while. It may be because I am caring for a baby, but it also has to do with the fact that anything extra in my life seemed near impossible until just a little over a week ago.

The sleep deprivation obviously has taken a toll. But what I didn't realize until recently, was that I was feeling large amounts of anxiety every time Max would cry. If he cried I would wake up and want to run to him. My heart would literally start pumping like a mini adrenaline rush every time he cried. I felt like he needed his Momma and that nobody could comfort him the way I could. So even when Chris would take him for a night or my Mom or Mother-in-law would come to watch him so I could get some sleep. I would lie awake in bed. And if I did by chance fall asleep, if he cried at all... here came the adrenaline. I was awake. I couldn't bear to hear him cry.

Right after Max turned 5 weeks, he became increasingly fussy. Especially after feeds. He would arch and cry and spit up for up to an hour and a half after feeds. So by the time I was able to calm him back to sleep... he would be ready to eat again. It was a vicious cycle, and I would only get about an hour and a half of sleep in intermittent spurts. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't make him happy. I was doing "non pharmacological interventions" that we do at work for reflux. But he was still so unhappy. It made me so sad. I was crying nearly every time he cried. I just wanted to make it better. I was getting way too overwhelmed. Then I started thinking... Why can't I handle this? Stupid people are having babies all the time, they can handle it... WHY CAN'T I??

I was so overwhelmed that I literally just held him in the rocking chair for 2 days. I wasn't taking care of myself at all. I had no appetite. More weight was falling off. I felt confined. Would I ever be able to leave my house? Would I be able to go back to work in a little over a month? Would things ever get better?

When Max was 6 weeks, my mom came over to help out so I could rest. Max had another crying episode that jolted me awake. I called my pediatrician right then. I told them I think he has reflux. He is a very fussy baby, and it is taking it's toll on the entire family. They got me in that day.

Max in his coat getting ready to go to the doctors

Our pediatrician (who is great) talked with us. We decided to give Zantac a try. We also propped his crib mattress up with phone books and a box so that it was 30 degrees. Looks a little ghetto, but it works.

The next day I went to my doctor appointment. He said the anxiety and depression I was experiencing was definitely contributed to my postpartum hormones going crazy. It was only exacerbated by the lack of sleep. So he gave me a prescription and some suggestions. I left feeling a sense of hope. That I would feel better some day.

I started some medication and Chris took over the night's for the entire weekend. I plugged in my iPod and created a sleep song list and put in my ear phones in order to prevent me from hearing Max cry. I actually slept for 3.5 hours straight, awoke only for about 2 minutes and slept 3 more hours for the first time since I had given birth.

The next day I felt like a new woman. I could do this. My confidence was boosted.

Now a week later I feel so much better. A lot less anxious. I can hear Max cry and it is OK. I can leave him for a few minutes to go to the bathroom, to eat something, to answer the phone. I don't feel so trapped anymore. I can be myself, and still have a baby!

And the Zantac seems to be helping Max, because he is a lot happier boy. He smiles so much now. It is so fun. And I feel like I can smile back at him and enjoy him. We took him to church for the first time. We also went on a little outing with my Mom and my sister. He did great, and even took a few naps while we shopped. I COULD LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH HIM!! It just helped boost my confidence more as a mother.

Max is doing great. He smiles at me all the time now. He loves to look around at the world. He loves to be rocked or bounced. He sleeps nearly 5 hours in one spurt from about 9pm to 2 am. And he usually only wakes up to eat, and falls right back to sleep without crying. He is a "Happy Spitter" now. So we always have to have a rag or burp cloth ready. His neck is getting stronger each and every day. He held it up in this position for a good amount of time today.

I am so glad that I feel so much better and am getting more sleep. And I can enjoy my little boy and all of his adorable faces!