The Reasons I Made a Change

The reason I decided to make a life change was not to "lose weight" per say. It was a combination of a whole lot if things that happened all at the same time that really woke me up.

It started with anger.

I have suffered with anxiety on and off probably my entire life, but never did I recognize it until it debilitated me after having my son Max. My anxiety was pushed so incredibly high that it sunk me it to some of the darkest days of my life. Postpartum depression. Mine was primarily driven by anxiety and my tendency to worry all the time. I was able to recognize it quicker after having Ashleigh, but I experienced it after having her as well. I was given medication that helped me immensely. But medications have side effects. Those side effects caused me to try weaning myself from them almost 1 year after having my son. I felt alright and much better overall so I did not continue them.

Then after experiencing PPD after Ashleigh I tried a different medication which helped me even more, with less side effects. So I figured I would just stay on that one to help me with my overall anxiety. But I did still experience side effects. And when Ashleigh was 10 months I kept forgetting to take my pills and I felt ok so I ended up weaning myself off again.

 I felt I was doing fine until I noticed something creep up on me slowly. Anger. I started feeling angry. I was angry at my husband most of the time over insignificant things. I was angry at my kids and the smallest things would set me off into a yelling and sometimes screaming and swearing fit. I am not proud of it, but it would happen. I was angry whenever I'd open up Facebook and see all the nasty things people comment with no accountability or tact and want to throw my phone out the window! I actually googled feeling angry all the time (I google a lot) and it brought to my attention that anger can be a form of depression.

Here I was again. Depression.

I considered immediately going back on my meds, but those darn side effects made me hesitate. I'm not anti medication in the least. They saved my life. But I hesitated.

Maybe there was another way?

Shortly after my realization of my anger/depression I had a little conversation with my cousin and her husband as she lay in her hospital bed after giving birth to her twins. My husband has suffered from a myriad of health issues and I was concerned for him as well as my own health. My cousins husband had been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and was able to turn it around by losing some weight and exercising. He told me that even 10 minutes of exercise made a difference in how he felt. 10 measly minutes. I could find 10 minutes in a day. I left the hospital really thinking about how I needed to make some healthy changes in my life.

But how do I start? Starting, I believe, is the greatest challenge. Where to start?? I thought, I'll give up soda. Coke. It is a favorite of mine. A vice. It had turned from an occasional drink to every morning, the first thing I would do is pop open a can of cherry coke. And non of that diet stuff. I can't do that. It had to be the succulent, sweet, high fructose corn syrup filled stuff.

So I gave up soda. Two days into it I considered caving. I wanted my cherry coke. But 2 days in I had a work meeting. One that I had no idea would change me so much.

We had a in service  by the amazing Employee Assistance Program (EAP) at Primary Children's Hospital on compassion fatigue. As a nurse, we are often faced with this issue because day in and day out you are taking care of others, helping them with daily tasks that used to be easy, providing care for those who have often lost some of their own freedoms through illness or injury. Some families can be emotionally exhausting, sometimes you don't always provide everything your patient wants, even when you are giving them everything you have. It is exhausting.

We took a little quiz to see if we were indeed  experiencing compassion fatigue. One just like this : http://www.compassionfatigue.org/pages/cfassessment.html . As I answered each question I became more aware of the fact that I was indeed experiencing compassion fatigue. Bit it wasn't at work that I was experiencing it.  It was at home. I tried so hard to think of my family first that I was forgetting to take care of my needs as well. Which in turn made my home life, my kids, my husband, suffer through the fact that their wife and mom was EXHAUSTED  and running on empty most of the time.

Then the EAP woman went on to give us suggestions  to help recover from compassion fatigue. Guess what was at the top of the list. Eating Healthy. Exercising. Drinking lots of water. Building healthy relationships. Becoming  proactive. All things I wanted in my life.

It was enough to really jolt me awake. I needed to put myself first right now. I needed to put my physical and mental health at a priority. I couldn't keep taking care of others if I didn't first take care of myself. I needed to drastically change my eating and exercise habits, or go back on medication... Or both. But I needed a change.

So that day I decided I was going to commit myself to 30 days. 30 days of eating healthy food (I was able to choose what was healthy... No diets), of exercising AT LEAST 10 minutes every day, and no soda. 30 days. Since habits supposedly take at least 21 days to form I thought that 30 days would be enough time to form healthy habits. Notice I didn't put a unrealistic number for weight loss or any weight loss at all for a goal. And I'm glad about that, because I would have become discouraged easily as I got started. Because I honestly thought that 1 week into it I would drop 5 lbs with all the habits I was changing. However the scale only budged 1 lb. I had to set realistic and obtainable goals.

Whatever reason you have in your life for wanting to be healthy and possibly losing some weight, my best suggestion is to start small. If you look at your goal of say losing 20lbs it may seem like climbing mountain. But if you make small goals they look more like small hills you can climb to. You still have to put in some effort, but your less likely to quit when the top is right there. I read somewhere that instead of your goal is being lose 20lb's say "I want to lose 1lb 20 times". Starting small helped me be successful and stick with it.

So whatever motivates you to make a change, grasp on to it. It will help you when times get tough, and when you want to give up. Because that will happen. It's not an easy road, but so worth it. 30 days is not too hard, and those 30 days can turn into more days, weeks, and months until you get to your ultimate goal. The top of the mountain. And you look down and realize it was all worth it.