Some Recent Video's

So I was thinking about it, and I realized that I've taken gobs of pictures of baby Max, but haven't taken much video. So here is a couple of video's. Pardon my voice, I have been sick all week and you have to talk in a high pitch baby voice to get a reaction out of this boy. Plus, you just can't help it!

The first time is right before bath time. He giggles and smiles when I undress him for his bath. So I grabbed the camera, but of course he stopped loudly giggling, but at least I got a couple of cute smiles.

This video was during tummy time. He was talking to me.

12 weeks!

This picture makes me laugh so hard! He was looking at his burp cloth that has little monkeys on it so intently. And he had his eyes crossed and this goofy look on his face. SOOOO FUNNY!

He has discovered that his hand are his and he has some control over them. (They are no longer just used to hit yourself in the face when you are trying to sleep). He loves his glow worm because it LIGHTS up AND plays music!

I think he looks so cute on his tummy!

Someone gave us a bunch of baby stuff and I found these sunglasses. He of course hated them, but I snapped a picture before the tantrum ensued.

I haven't had a cold since before I got pregnant, meaning I haven't had a cold in over a year. So Murphy's Law... I got a cold the first day I went back to work. I have no PTO and can't call in sick because I have reached my maximum for the year. -Hello, being as sick as I was when I was pregnant, and Chris's appendix fiasco, and 6 weeks of migraines.- I feel pretty happy that I only have 5 sick calls in the rotating year. But that is ALL I GET! 5 is not nearly enough.

So I had to go to work loaded up on cold medication. On my first night shift back on Sunday, I was feeling very sick, cough, stuffy nose, sore throat, and the beginnings of a migraine. How was I going to make it through the night! Then I learned that one of my favorite people at work lost her battle with leukemia. So needless to day, this week started off terrible!

When I am at home I was using so much hand sanitizer trying not to give it to Max. He was coughing one morning, but that is all I have noticed (Cross fingers he doesn't get it). So it has been a struggle. But I am starting to feel better. Having a cute face to smile at you helps.

Back to Work

I returned to work this week after 11 weeks of maternity leave. I was sad to leave Max for 13+ hours a day, and had some anxiety about leaving Chris with the sometimes difficult task of caring for a baby all day. But everything seemed to go well.

Max was still sleeping when I left this morning. So I lightly kissed his cheek as tears filled my eyes. I only cried for a few minutes in the car. It was going to be OK. He wouldn't forget me and know I hadn't abandoned him. I would just rather hang out with him all day then be at work. But at least I got to care for cute little babies.

I had a good assignment, not too difficult. Plus I got to be on a Pod with one of my favorite people at work. So it was fun to talk and catch up. She has an 11 month old son and had to return to work as well. So she has been through a lot of what I am going through right now. It was so fun to talk with her.

And I got super lucky. There were a lot of discharges today and so the Charge Nurse needed to send a nurse home and it was my turn! So I only did 7 hours instead of the full 12! It was a good transition back into the workforce. But I am back tomorrow for the full 12. I have confidence that everything will be great!

Since I got to come home early I got to squeeze and hold and play with my cute little boy. And I took a bunch of pictures because I am an obsessed mom!

He's a drooler!

How can you not love that face?

Update

So the weeks just seem to be flying by now. My sister, Jill, who lives in Alaska came down for a visit at the beginning of April. It was fun to spend some time with her. The last time I had seen her I was 7 weeks pregnant. We even went for sushi! I was so glad that I could finally eat it. And the real raw stuff too... not veggie rolls and shrimp. It was so delicious. Here she is holding Max when he was 9 weeks old! (You gotta love his faces)

Max has been doing well. We had to make a little visit to Dr. Siddiqi, a plastic surgeon at PCMC. You see, at six weeks when Max was diagnosed with reflux, I mentioned to our pediatrician that he favored his right side and never really looked to the left. His neck was very stiff on that left side. It is called torticollis. Our pediatrician taught us to do some neck exercises with him.

So two and a half weeks later at his two month check up I told him that his neck had much improved that he would look over to the left and everything, but he still slept facing his right side. His head was now flat on the right side (it's called plagiocephally) and it had brought his right ear and right forehead forward. He felt it was significant enough to give the plastic surgeon a call to talk about our options.

Dr. Siddiqi said that we can continue to do his neck exercises and work on his neck/head control with tummy time. He also mentioned using sleep positioners to help him sleep with his head facing left to try to let that right side even out. If it is still misshaped at 5 months then we will pursue the helmet route. I don't think it would bother me so much if it didn't effect his ear and forehead. So we will have to see if our efforts will help.

(Vistiting Dr. Siddiqi)

I think he is doing better, because we started with this:

And now he is to this:

So he is doing so much better with his head control and supporting that huge noggin. Hopefully his head will start to even out and his ears will be symmetrical and his forehead will smooth out. We just have to wait and see!

We also took him to church. It's funny how people bring their two week old infants to church and I wait 9 weeks. But everyone is different. I would rather have a 3 month old with and illness than a 3 week old personally. But whatever.

My two boys!

I'm going back to work next week, which will be difficult for me. How can I part with my adorable little boy for 12 whole hours! It's gonna be so hard!

2 Months!

Max is two whole months today. I can't even believe it has been two months. Crazy. It seems like I have had him forever. But now the weeks are just flying by. I will be back to work in just under 3 weeks now. We went to his doctors appointment today. He is 15 lb's and 25.3 inches. That puts him in the 99th percentile in both height and weight. We have a big boy. Our Doctor said it was OK since Chris and I are both tall. He is otherwise healthy. He had to get his immunizations, but he was so brave and only cried for a little bit. Chris had him smiling again in no time.

On Tuesday the 20th we went and visited my Grandparents (Max's great grandparents) in Roy. They hadn't met him yet so they were very excited. We went and visited my Grandpa Johnson at the care center he is staying at and then went over to my Grandma and Grandpa Homer's house. We got some pictures, and if you can see... Max doesn't like looking at camera's. He would rather look at the brightest light in the room. Oh well!

Since his head control had much improved, I graduated him to the facing forward in the baby Bjorn. He still needs to gain a little more head control, but he loves looking around at the world. Especially at bright lights (where he is looking in this picture as well). We will call him light seeker.... kidding.

I feel great. I have really settled in to this new mom thing. I love being able to take him places now. He has settled into a sort of night sleep routine that is allowing me so much more sleep. And Chris always takes one or two night feedings when he isn't working, so I am getting solid blocks of sleep (8 hours last night!!) which makes me feel amazing. We went to church for 3 whole hours without Max and I actually missed him like crazy! I better get adjusted because I have to go back to work soon. But it is so fun being a mom and I am so glad I feel I can enjoy it, instead of being overwhelmed and anxious all the time. Postpartum Depression is so real, and something that I didn't think would happen to me since I haven't really suffered from depression before. I am so glad that I got some help so I could get some rest and feel joy again. Because you never get these moments back. I am a better wife and a better mom, and our family life has improved so much.

Steadily Improving

I just want to say hey to the Blogging world. You may have (or have not) noticed that I have been absent from the blogging world for a little while. It may be because I am caring for a baby, but it also has to do with the fact that anything extra in my life seemed near impossible until just a little over a week ago.

The sleep deprivation obviously has taken a toll. But what I didn't realize until recently, was that I was feeling large amounts of anxiety every time Max would cry. If he cried I would wake up and want to run to him. My heart would literally start pumping like a mini adrenaline rush every time he cried. I felt like he needed his Momma and that nobody could comfort him the way I could. So even when Chris would take him for a night or my Mom or Mother-in-law would come to watch him so I could get some sleep. I would lie awake in bed. And if I did by chance fall asleep, if he cried at all... here came the adrenaline. I was awake. I couldn't bear to hear him cry.

Right after Max turned 5 weeks, he became increasingly fussy. Especially after feeds. He would arch and cry and spit up for up to an hour and a half after feeds. So by the time I was able to calm him back to sleep... he would be ready to eat again. It was a vicious cycle, and I would only get about an hour and a half of sleep in intermittent spurts. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't make him happy. I was doing "non pharmacological interventions" that we do at work for reflux. But he was still so unhappy. It made me so sad. I was crying nearly every time he cried. I just wanted to make it better. I was getting way too overwhelmed. Then I started thinking... Why can't I handle this? Stupid people are having babies all the time, they can handle it... WHY CAN'T I??

I was so overwhelmed that I literally just held him in the rocking chair for 2 days. I wasn't taking care of myself at all. I had no appetite. More weight was falling off. I felt confined. Would I ever be able to leave my house? Would I be able to go back to work in a little over a month? Would things ever get better?

When Max was 6 weeks, my mom came over to help out so I could rest. Max had another crying episode that jolted me awake. I called my pediatrician right then. I told them I think he has reflux. He is a very fussy baby, and it is taking it's toll on the entire family. They got me in that day.

Max in his coat getting ready to go to the doctors

Our pediatrician (who is great) talked with us. We decided to give Zantac a try. We also propped his crib mattress up with phone books and a box so that it was 30 degrees. Looks a little ghetto, but it works.

The next day I went to my doctor appointment. He said the anxiety and depression I was experiencing was definitely contributed to my postpartum hormones going crazy. It was only exacerbated by the lack of sleep. So he gave me a prescription and some suggestions. I left feeling a sense of hope. That I would feel better some day.

I started some medication and Chris took over the night's for the entire weekend. I plugged in my iPod and created a sleep song list and put in my ear phones in order to prevent me from hearing Max cry. I actually slept for 3.5 hours straight, awoke only for about 2 minutes and slept 3 more hours for the first time since I had given birth.

The next day I felt like a new woman. I could do this. My confidence was boosted.

Now a week later I feel so much better. A lot less anxious. I can hear Max cry and it is OK. I can leave him for a few minutes to go to the bathroom, to eat something, to answer the phone. I don't feel so trapped anymore. I can be myself, and still have a baby!

And the Zantac seems to be helping Max, because he is a lot happier boy. He smiles so much now. It is so fun. And I feel like I can smile back at him and enjoy him. We took him to church for the first time. We also went on a little outing with my Mom and my sister. He did great, and even took a few naps while we shopped. I COULD LEAVE THE HOUSE WITH HIM!! It just helped boost my confidence more as a mother.

Max is doing great. He smiles at me all the time now. He loves to look around at the world. He loves to be rocked or bounced. He sleeps nearly 5 hours in one spurt from about 9pm to 2 am. And he usually only wakes up to eat, and falls right back to sleep without crying. He is a "Happy Spitter" now. So we always have to have a rag or burp cloth ready. His neck is getting stronger each and every day. He held it up in this position for a good amount of time today.

I am so glad that I feel so much better and am getting more sleep. And I can enjoy my little boy and all of his adorable faces!

Sleep Deprivation

It's funny. Before I had little baby Max, people always used to say things along the lines of, "Get your sleep while you can... ha ha." I had already struggled with a lot of insomnia toward the end of my pregnancy. But I had no idea the sleep deprivation I would be facing!

I have always loved sleep, and never handled a lack of sleep super well. When I was in nursing school I was only allowed about 5 hours a night during the week and about 8 on the weekends due to work, school, and homework. And I was barely coping with things then.

So you can imagine, I have found this sleep deprivation to be a lot more taxing then others might. I have had a hard time coping with 2 hours here, 30 minutes there. And believe me, Chris, my mom, his mom, and my cousin have all given me relief time, but the problem is when I do lay down to finally catch some non interrupted shut eye, I either can't sleep, or wake up every 30 minutes-1 hour. If I here Max cry at all, I wake up. Sometimes I dream that he is crying and wake up. It is very vexing. I just want some damn sleep! Why won't my body let me sleep!

I sleep the best with my son snuggled in my arms where I know he is safe, and not crying. And he sleeps the best that way too. The most he has slept in is crib = 1.5 hour. In my arms = a little over 3. I never wanted (and still don't) want to be a co-sleeper. But if that is the only way that we get sleep...so be it!

Needless to say, the no sleep only exacerbates the postpartum depression. I have good days and bad days (hence the lack of exciting posts!), but I am going to talk to my doctor this week and find out a solution so we have a happy mom and happy baby.

Max has had a fussy week. He will be 6 weeks tomorrow which is supposed to be the "peak" of fussiness. I can only hope. But he is still my cute little man that I love and need to go snuggle.